One Hell of a…
Well I’m not quite sure, week, month, month and a half? It’s been one hell of a something. I have to apologize for the reviews I still have to get up. I haven’t been well. My lyme disease has decided to take over my life and it’s all I can do to function for Fumiko right now. It’s gotten bad enough that I am considering going in to talk about getting back on a muscle relaxer and pain pill. I don’t know if this is just an overly painful temporary flare up, or if it has reached a milestone and just gotten worse. Only time will tell for me. For now my pain is more intense than usual, the migraines happen daily and are so bad that I see flashes of random color, sometimes part of or all of my vision goes black, the muscle twitches/shakes are more frequent and last longer, and light touch feels like a charlie horse down to my bone. On top of it all I miss Sascha so badly. I want to call every day, or talk to him on Skype every day. But when I talk to him I just want to scream come home and cry. So I’ve not tried to contact him much. I’m trying to deal with it and be okay, but it’s hard with all that I am dealing with.
He’s growing up so fast. I feel like I’m losing my little boy. Maybe it’s just me and I’m slightly crazy(okay I am, but still) but him growing up is ever so slightly painful for me. I love him, I want him to grow up to be happy and healthy, but at the same time, it hurts to seem him grow up and it hurts to lose those little things that I will never have with him again because he won’t be a little boy. He’s going to be 9 soon. Soon after that he’s going to be 10, 11, 12, and then he’s going to be a teen. He’s going to reach that point in his life where he needs to do things on his own, without Mommy there to catch him. He’s going to want to be his own person, and live his own life. I’m going to have to let him go and hope that I’ve done my job in a way that he still wants me there and trusts me enough to confide in me. I don’t want to lose my little boy, even though I know it’s inevitable it still hurts.
We have Fumiko who is still my baby, but she is her own person, just as Sascha is his own person. They are so different. I felt the same way with Fumiko when she stopped nursing. I was happy and relieved as it was hard on my health, but I miss it too. I miss having that closeness to her and the bonding, I miss the innocence and her being a baby. She’s now a toddler who never stops and is well on her way to being potty trained and she’s still learning new words every day. I don’t want any more children, but I still have a longing to have my baby’s back. Ugh. A Mother’s love is so bittersweet. Each new milestone brings new and often times conflicting feelings. Am I the only one who feels this way? I know I can’t be the only one who has a hard time seeing her children grow up.