I received my tooth chips from Etsy. I’ve been using them for the last 2 days. While I’m thrilled that they don’t bother my mouth, the taste is terrible. Alright so it’s not that bad, I’m getting used to it. But the first couple of times I brushed my teeth with them. Ugh it was nasty. The soap taste is slowly fading away so I’m sure I’ll be used to it by the end of the week.
I’m still waiting for my deodorant. I guess my order got lost or something. It’s supposed to be sent out tomorrow. I ordered the full size shampoo and conditioner bar in mango. I can’t wait for it to come. I love the samples I got. I ordered a tube of pixie epoxy from fyrinnae[1. speaking of fyrinnae. Kai and Ben just got home and checked the mail from yesterday. My pixie epoxy and a pretty polar bear sample were in the mail! Hooray!] and I ordered a few samples from tkb trading as well. With my limited funds I figured this might be my best bet for right now. I can’t wait to try them.
My dad called me. Well technically Jeannie called me. I haven’t talked to them in well over a year. The last time I talked to them was when she was kicking my dad out and he had called to see if he could stay with us. Later that night my dad called me back to tell me Jeannie was in the hospital. My dad had found her passed out on the floor in the kitchen with the phone off the hook. The hospital told my dad that she was severely dehydrated, mostly because of her alcohol consumption and the combination of medications she was on and not drinking water. I tried calling him to check in a couple of weeks later and someone hung up on me. At least that’s what I thought it was. I must have called close to 100 times that day, only to be hung up on. So I figured they didn’t want to speak to me. Or she didn’t want him to speak to me. With all that I was dealing with and have been dealing with. I couldn’t emotionally deal with that on top of everything else. I love my dad to death. But I can’t put my self in that position to try to call him and be hung up on. I tried calling a few more times. Kai even tried to call, and nothing. It would ring once or twice then click and hang up. So I decided to wait for my dad to contact me. But he didn’t.
Jeannie and my dad said their phone had been turned off a few times. That was probably why. I don’t know whether or not to believe them. Every time I’ve called a number that had been turned off I got some sort of warning saying this number is no longer in server, etc. I don’t know. But I’m glad they finally called. They reassured me they weren’t mad at me. They both said in the future if they call me again during a fight to tell them I’m not getting involved. I’ll try, but what am I supposed to do when my dad calls me asking if he can stay here because his wife is kicking him out? Ugh.
Funny story, well kind of. In retrospect, it’s funny. We’ve had a leak in our bathtub faucet for months and months. Well last night it got worse. By worse I mean it was like the faucet was just on. So Kai and I start messing around with it trying to figure out why it’s leaking. I couldn’t turn this one part so I asked Kai to try. So of course he turns it with no problem. All of a sudden the faucet shoots off and water is shooting into the hallway and all over the walls and flooding the floor and going EVERYWHERE. Hai we’re soaked. Fumiko starts crying and freaking out, Kai frantically runs downstairs to find the shut off for the water. I’m holding a towel over the faucet so it goes INTO the tub instead of everywhere else. Kai gets downstairs and suddenly realizes that the water shut off valve is BEHIND THE DOOR THAT CHARLIE NAILED SHUT! Ohdearuniversehelpus. So he um finally got it off and got the water shut off and came back up. My mom was laughing. It looked like a scene out of a comedy. By now Fumiko and Sushicat are in the bathroom with us trying to see what happened and playing in the water and we’re just standing there soaked.
Kai and Ben have made 2 runs to home depot now to try to fix it. The first time they apparently talked to someone who knew not what they were talking about and got them to buy replacement parts that our faucet thinger didn’t even have… So Kai spent awhile watching youtube videos and messing with it trying to get stuff to fit. Then put it back together, turned the water on only to find that it didn’t help at all. So they went back again. He just called me to let me know that they were referred to someone who actually knew what they were doing and got them the right replacement parts. Then told them that any of the new faucets they could have purchased wouldn’t have worked. Awesome. Hopefully it works this time.
I’m hungry. However eating is painful. Half of a tooth broke off into the gum, so I can only chew on the right side of my mouth. However chewing on the right side causes this horrible pain to shoot down into my lower jaw. I need to call the orthodontist and get my braces off and have my teeth fixed. I have an appointment for the 17th at NARA. Hopefully the new doctor there can help me.
Right? Maybe. Yesterday morning Kai was up at 5am to ride his bike over to our local GNC to help with inventory. He got home just in time to catch a ride to work with Kinon. He got home at 830pm. This morning he was up at 4am and had to be at his store at 5am to prepare for his inventory. He isn’t getting off until 830pm tonight. I feel bad for him. He was required to work Sunday which is his usual day off. So he’s been working 6 days straight, plus doing inventory and helping others with their inventory. He has store inspections and all sorts of things coming up so he’s been quite stressed. I hope it all blows over soon so he can relax.
Kharizma is picking me up at 4pm today to get our Durango. There goes $150. Ugh. Please dear car don’t break anymore right now. I suppose I shall go get dressed and ready. I tried to call NARA to make a doctors appointment to get my IUD removed, but they weren’t in. I left a message so hopefully they get back to me soon. After that’s done with, the next step is getting my braces taken off. Which I’m quite afraid of doing. My teeth are so damaged between the Lyme and the braces I’m paranoid that they’ll fall apart when they take them off. I have one tooth that is severely cracked and pieces are broken off. I’ve been trying to wait for our insurance to reset so I can get it taken care of. We just didn’t have the funds to pay for it. So now that our insurance should be reset for the year it’s time to take care of it. And well all of the other dental issues in my mouth. Come pay day I’m purchasing this from etsy. It’s tooth soap. My body is so sensitive right now that even the natural toothpastes are causing sores and pain in my mouth. I’m hoping this will work for me. It shouldn’t bother my mouth. It has less than half the ingredients of the last natural toothpastes I’ve tried.
It truly is. One of those days where I can’t even enjoy twitter for more than a minute or so at a time. The updates come too fast and my brain can’t process it. The little elves with red hot pokers are back stabbing every inch of my body. I’m exhausted. My legs are having horrible cramps. Though one magnesium nearly knocks me out. It feels like someone is trying to scoop out my heart. And you know that feeling of dizziness, when the room is spinning sometimes when you close your eyes? Yeah that feeling is filling up my lungs and chest. So what, my chest is dizzy and lightheaded? My period should be starting any day now. My boobs are killing me. Blah, blah, blah, complain, complain.
Last night Ben and Kai stopped at Five Guys burgers and Ben bought us dinner. Was super yummy, but I think the fries killed me. I had them get extra lettuce and tomato on my burger, it was so fresh and delicious. I’ve really been craving meat. I’ve literally been living on fresh and frozen fruit, yogurt and smoothies. I haven’t been doing well with cooked food. The last few days I’ve started eating little bits of it. My mom made meatloaf the day before so I had a piece of that. Literally all I want is beef sashimi, a spicy tuna roll with avocado, caesar salad, thai iced tea, and fruit. That’s it. Just, raw. I swear I’m not crazy. Or maybe I am. I can’t even hardly remember what I did yesterday, or most of what I ate. I couldn’t remember my last blog post.
Kharizma is going to go to the doctor with me. Since NARA has a new doctor. Hopefully he knows something about Lyme. I need to get my iud out regardless. I think it’s making me sicker. I am hoping that once I get it out maybe some of my symptoms will ease up a little. I hope. I’m going to ask about getting the shot, or see where they stand with hysterectomy now since I’m almost 30. I’m afraid to take birth control pills. My memory is getting bad and half the time I can’t freaking remember what I went into the kitchen for, or why I opened a browser, or what I ate or what I just said. I’m afraid if they give me pills I won’t remember to take them, or will not remember that I did take them. I can’t get pregnant again. I don’t want any more children and I don’t think my body could survive another pregnancy. Sascha’s was bad, Fumiko’s was worse, I can’t do it again.
I’m um going to be talking about my reason for wanting a hysterectomy, so if you are squeamish or don’t want to hear about female issues, then I suggest you forget reading any further. Just saying. read more
I don’t ever send chain mails. So I’m going to share this here, because Kharizma was right. It is empowering and it’s too precious not to share. Thank you Kharizma.
“May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.“
Also I found this yesterday. While it’s simple I think it’s absolutely beautiful. I don’t normally buy things like this. The only jewelry I wear is my wedding ring, my gauged earrings and the heart key necklace that Kai gave me the Valentine’s Day after Fumiko was born. But I want this, and eventually I’ll purchase it and wear it. Just to remind myself that there is hope, even if it’s small. It’s still there.
Yesterday I think was quite possibly one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I can’t even begin to describe the pain and panic I was in most of the day. It got worse towards the evening and lasted throughout the night. I’m just now starting to feel a little better. I had planned on writing up a couple of reviews and making a blog post. That however wasn’t happening. My arms/shoulders were hurting so bad that it was extremely painful to even move my mouse, let a lone type.
My mom took Kai to work yesterday morning, got about 2 blocks from his work and lost power steering. She said there was a huge puff of smoke and the power steering died. Come to find out the serpentine belt broke/shredded/something. Which is bad. Kharizma and Spencer called their AAA and they had it towed to Spencer’s work. Thankfully the towing was free. Though they looked at it and it’s going to cost $150 to replace the belt and repair the damage. I swear. Every time things work out financially, something else happens. We were going to pay Kharizma and Spencer back for the towing LAST time the car broke down, and we were going to pay Ben the $60 back for rent. Now I’m not sure what we’ll be able to do beyond paying for the car.
On the plus side, my shampoo/conditioner bar samples arrived yesterday. I’m super happy with them. They smell like the Black Raspberry Vanilla from Bath & Body Works and they didn’t irritate my skin at all. Though I did somehow spill a drop of Kai’s shampoo on my arm. It was on there for a couple of seconds maybe before I got it washed off. It left a small dime sized rash that is super itchy and bumpy. Yes my skin is that sensitive now. That’s why I’ve been desperate to find something natural I can use. Now if only my deodorant from Etsy would come. When Kai gets paid on the 23rd I’m going to buy some tooth soap off Etsy. I’ve heard really good things about it and I can’t keep using normal toothpaste. I can’t use a lot of natural ones either. They frequently sweeten them with stevia or add extracts I can’t use. So I’m hoping this will work well.
As soon as I’m able, I have reviews to type up for some massage creme, sliquid splash, the shampoo/conditioner bars and some adult products. I even have a fotd to upload. However it’s on my desktop and I’m sick in bed using the old crappy laptop that refuses to actually stay connected to the wireless.
EDIT: Holy mother. This was a long post. Kudos to whoever reads the whole thing. I didn’t realize how much I’d typed out.
A little back history on me before I go into what Lyme Disease is. When I was 8 years old I was bit by a tick on my foot. No one thought anything of it until it caused a terrible rash on my foot that wouldn’t go away. Almost immediately after being bit I came down with the flu. At least that’s what they thought it was. After several months and nothing working on the rash my doctor referred my mom to a specialist. To this day I can’t recall what it was but they took a biopsy of the rash and told my mom they had no idea what it was. They gave her cortisone cream to put on it. Which by the way didn’t help.
The next few years resulted in me being sick constantly with what seemed like a never ending flu. I started having muscle and joint pain. By the time I was 14 I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and a couple of different types of arthritis. Nothing helped. My pain slowly got worse and more symptoms started appearing. When I was 19 I got pregnant with my son Sascha. My pregnancy was a nightmare. I lost 20 pounds in the beginning from being so ill. My morning sickness never ended, in fact it was all day and all night sickness to the end of my pregnancy. Between my 7 and 8 month check up, I gained just over 100 pounds. Completely unexplained. No one could figure out why. I was on a no sugar, no junk food diet. I couldn’t eat it if I wanted to. I lived on ice and fresh foods. Nothing in my diet had changed, nothing changed so where did this weight come from? No one knew.
After my pregnancy with Sascha my health when down hill extremely fast. I ended up seeing my doctor at NARA in Michigan. She knew something was wrong, but had no idea what. She ran tests on me, any test she could think of. She even went so far as to run any cancer marker she could on me. Every single test came back negative. There was nothing wrong with me that the lab could find. She told me that I either had chronic fatigue syndrome or lyme disease and she couldn’t “test” for either one. Lyme disease? I’d never heard of that. It wasn’t until Sascha was older that Lyme disease came back to me and I started researching it. By the time I got pregnant with Fumiko I was completely convince that I had Lyme disease. I had nearly every symptom listed at least at one point in time or another. Some I suffered from every day, others several times a week.
My pregnancy with Fumiko was much worse. Not only did I have all the issues I had with my pregnancy with Sascha but they were magnified and I started having new symptoms. I felt bad for Kai. There were times where he would have to sit in the hall way to eat because whatever he was eating made me sick/vomit. The pain in my body was so intense there times I just couldn’t function and would have given anything for someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery. I was terrified of gaining weight again, mostly because I was still struggling to lose what I had gained with Sascha. Fortunately I only gained about 30 pounds and lost that and more after I had her. During my pregnancy with Fumiko I started taking a formula for Lyme Disease that was formulated by a doctor in North Dakota. It helped immensely for about a month and then all of my symptoms came back and worse. After Fumiko was born I started seeing an ND. She was convinced I had Lyme Disease and even had me lab tested for it. Warning me several times that the test had a very low chance of actually coming back with a positive result because of the way Lyme Disease worked. But she wanted to try anyways. My test came back with 2 out of 5 markers. I believe it’s supposed to show 4 for a positive? I can’t remember, but she was happy to see the results saying she couldn’t believe it came back with any markers at all and she knew I had it. So she started working with me.
Unfortunately by this time if Lyme is what I really had, it had been festering and taking over my body for over 15 years. There is a very small window of time in which antibiotics can work and I was years and years past that. The only thing left to do was to try to slow it down and relieve the pain. So that’s where I am now. I struggle every day with a disease that has no cure, at least not for me. It has slowly taken over my body and it just gets worse and worse. Since there is so little information on the long term effects of the disease I have no idea really what to look forward to. For a long time Lyme was believed to not be a real disease. It was all in your head. It’s extremely hard to test for as the organism is highly fastidious, growing extremely slowly in tissue culture. The vast majority of body fluid or tissue samples from patients with Lyme disease do not yield spirochetes on culture. Lyme disease is thus usually clinically diagnosed. Possible detection of serum antibodies to burgdorferi may only augment the clinical diagnosis. However, acutely antibodies may not occur in detectable titer, making early diagnosis difficult.
So what is Lyme disease? The causative agent, Borrelia burgdorferi, is a type of spirochete. Spirochetes are long, thin, spiral-shaped bacteria. Other spirochetes include the causative agents of syphilis, relapsing fever, and gum disease. The bacterium is able to move around the body through the bloodstream and between tissue. It can also invade tissue, replicate, and leave the cell – destroying the cell as it emerges. Sometimes, as the bacterium emerges, the cell wall collapses around the bacterium, forming a “cloaking device”. This action may aid the bacteria’s ability to hide from the immune system response. The one common thread with Lyme Disease is the number of systems affected (brain, central nervous system, autonomic nervous system, cardiovascular, digestive, respiratory, musco-skeletal, etc.) and sometimes the hourly/daily/weekly/monthly changing of symptoms.
Many Lyme patients were firstly diagnosed with other illnesses such as Juvenile Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Reactive Arthritis, Infectious Arthritis, Osteoarthritis, Fibromyalgia, Epstein Barr Syndrome, Raynaud’s Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Interstitial Cystis, Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease, Fifth Disease, Multiple Sclerosis, scleroderma, lupus, early ALS, early Alzheimers Disease, crohn’s disease, ménières syndrome, endometriosis, reynaud’s syndrome, sjogren’s syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, colitis, prostatitis, psychiatric disorders (bipolar, depression, etc.), encephalitis, sleep disorders, thyroid disease and various other illnesses. Syndromes in bold are things I’ve been diagnosed with over the years.
Signs and symptoms of Early Local Lyme Disease often starts with flu-like feelings of headache, stiff neck, fever, muscle aches, and fatigue. About 60% of light-skinned patients notice a unique enlarging rash, referred to as erythema migrans (EM), days to weeks after the bite. On dark-skinned people, this rash resembles a bruise.
The rash may appear within a day of the bite or as late as a month later. This rash may start as a small, reddish bump about one-half inch in diameter. It may be slightly raised or flat. It soon expands outward, often leaving a clearing (normal flesh color) in the center. It can enlarge to the size of a thumb-print or cover a persons back.
Symptoms in bold are symptoms I suffer from either daily or quite frequently.
Head, Face, Neck
Unexplained hair loss
Headache, mild or severe, Seizures
Pressure in head, white matter lesions in brain (MRI)
Tingling of nose, (tip of) tongue, cheek or facial flushing
Stiff or painful neck
Jaw pain or stiffness
Dental problems (unexplained)
Sore throat, clearing throat a lot, phlegm ( flem ), hoarseness, runny nose
Double or blurry vision
Increased floating spots
Pain in eyes, or swelling around eyes
Oversensitivity to light
Flashing lights/Peripheral waves/phantom images in corner of eyes
Decreased hearing in one or both ears, plugged ears
Buzzing in ears
Pain in ears, oversensitivity to sounds
Ringing in one or both ears
Digestive and Excretory Systems
Irritable bladder (trouble starting, stopping) or Interstitial cystitis
Upset stomach (nausea or pain) or GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease)
Spleen tenderness or enlargement
Bone pain, joint pain or swelling, carpal tunnel syndrome
Stiffness of joints, back, neck, tennis elbow
Muscle pain or cramps, (Fibromyalgia)
Skin sensitivities or pain
Respiratory and Circulatory Systems
Shortness of breath, can’t get full/satisfying breath, cough
Reoccurring Pneumonia or Bronchitis
Chest pain or rib soreness
Night sweats or unexplained chills
Heart palpitations or extra beats
Endocarditis, Heart blockage
Tremors or unexplained shaking
Burning or stabbing sensations in the body
Fatigue, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Weakness, peripheral neuropathy or partial paralysis
Pressure in the head
Numbness in body, tingling, pinpricks
Poor balance, dizziness, difficulty walking
Increased motion sickness
Mood swings, irritability, bi-polar disorder
Disorientation (getting or feeling lost)
Feeling as if you are losing your mind
Over-emotional reactions, crying easily
Too much sleep, or insomnia
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Narcolepsy, sleep apnea
Panic attacks, anxiety
Memory loss (short or long term)
Confusion, difficulty in thinking
Difficulty with concentration or reading
Going to the wrong place
Speech difficulty (slurred or slow)
Forgetting how to perform simple tasks
Reproduction and Sexuality
Loss of sex drive
Unexplained menstral pain, irregularity
Unexplained breast pain, discharge
Testicular or pelvic pain
Unexplained weight gain, loss
Swollen glands/lymph nodes
Unexplained fevers (high or low grade)
Continual infections (sinus, kidney, eye, etc.)
Symptoms seem to change, come and go
Pain migrates (moves) to different body parts
Early on, experienced a “flu-like” illness, after which you have not since felt well.
Low body temperature
Increased effect from alcohol and possible worse hangover
I’ll end with saying, unless you’ve been through something like this, or suffer from another illness that is debilitating you have no idea how much guilt one carries with them every day. I hope you never know what it’s like to tell your child that you can’t take them outside or play ball with them or hold them because you’re in excruciating pain. I think that’s the worst part at least one of two worst parts. I feel like a failure as a mother because I can’t do the most simple of tasks with my children. Most days my skin is in horrible pain. A simple touch can feel like someone just hit me with a baseball bat, and it’s a pain that goes down to the bone and lasts for hours on end. How do you tell your kids that it hurts you when they touch you when all they want to do is sit on your lap. But in the process of getting there you’re left in such horrible pain it’s all you can do not to crumble to the floor and cry. The other part that cuts deep is the fact that intimacy with my husband is extremely difficult and frustrating. There are times when I want to have sex with him and enjoy time with him and I just plain can’t. I can’t because of how much pain I am in. Do you know what it’s like to want more than anything to just be with your significant other but you can’t because of something that is wrong with you? There have been times where we haven’t been able to be intimate for months. That’s a huge part of who I am and I can’t do anything about it. It makes me feel like I’m failing my husband. He never complains, but it bothers ME. I want to be with him and I can’t be. It’s infuriating and frustrating and maddening. This is also why I disappear sometimes for long periods of time. My life has been turned upside down because of one little bug and no one knowing about a disease. I’m 29 and I feel like I’m 90. I have cataracts in both eyes. My teeth break and crack. Cavities appear at the blink of an eye despite brushing and flossing and taking care of my teeth. Lyme disease causes so much and the list above is just a small list of common symptoms. It doesn’t even include things that happen individually to people depending on what other tick disease they may have contracted, or other illnesses or deficiencies brought on my lyme disease.
I think one of the strangest symptoms I have is that ice and cold things cause my skin to burn. Ice actually causes my skin to blister like I’ve been burned. It seems completely strange and impossible and it’s very frustrating. I think I could go on and on about my symptoms and what I deal with. But I won’t. I just wanted to share because most people I know have never heard of it and have no idea what it is. It’s also me saying hey look I’m not lazy, I’m sick. Really and truly sick. I honestly don’t know if I’ll be here to see Sascha graduate. I don’t know what is going to happen and that scares me to death.
So apparently it’s Super Bowl Sunday, who knew?[1. Seriously, I had no idea.] While I am not a fan of football in any way shape or form, and really hate watching sports on tv, my husband for some odd reason does enjoy watching the Super Bowl. I think though it has more to do with his memories of spending this day with his family, than actually watching football.
I think I’d mentioned earlier this week that I kept waking up with an extremely sore shoulder and neck and couldn’t figure out why. Last night I figured it out… Kai had stripped our bed and washed all the bedding. He says he kept our pillows separated, but apparently not very well. I kept thinking my pillows felt funny. They seems too fluffy and flat. I thought nothing of it, forgetting that Kai had washed our bedding. So last night I went to check my pillows thinking I had the wrong one on top. As soon as I looked inside I knew what was wrong. Kai had switched our pillows. I had two of his and he had mine. So I look at him and say “You switched our pillows?!!!”. He just started laughing. I’m still not sure if he did it on purpose,[2. I still think he did it on purpose.] or really hadn’t noticed.
Either way, I took my pillows back and switch the pillow cases. I slept much better last night and woke up without soreness. While pillows don’t make that much of a difference to some, for me it means waking up without extra pain. I need really firm pillows to sleep on because of the compression fracture on T3[3. T3 is a vertebrae on your spine between your shoulders] that I suffered with several years ago. There is constant pain there. A deep, dull, ache. I’ve had pain there for so long that sometimes I forget that it hurts, but then I’ll do something and it triggers horrible, excruciating pain. I don’t look forward to those particular times.
Now I shall go continue to wait for David to call so I can talk to Sascha.
I had a gift card for Eden Fantasy and decided to use it to get some bath products I’d been wanting. So I made my order Wednesday night which was the 2nd and it arrived today, which is the 4th. Holy cow I didn’t expect it that fast, plus I got a free vibrator. I ordered the Sliquid Splash in grapefruit thyme, which smells amazing by the way. I also got the Naughty Bubbles by Booty Parlor which smells so pretty. And the Violet Moon Shimmer Cream by Sensuous Beauty which I’m sorry to say I can’t use. I put a little on my arm to test and it’s given me a horrible migraine. I really wanted to like it. But the smell reminds me of a natural bug bite salve, and there is the whole migraine thing. I can’t wait to try the Splash and the Naughty Bubbles though.