It’s one of those days
It truly is. One of those days where I can’t even enjoy twitter for more than a minute or so at a time. The updates come too fast and my brain can’t process it. The little elves with red hot pokers are back stabbing every inch of my body. I’m exhausted. My legs are having horrible cramps. Though one magnesium nearly knocks me out. It feels like someone is trying to scoop out my heart. And you know that feeling of dizziness, when the room is spinning sometimes when you close your eyes? Yeah that feeling is filling up my lungs and chest. So what, my chest is dizzy and lightheaded? My period should be starting any day now. My boobs are killing me. Blah, blah, blah, complain, complain.
Last night Ben and Kai stopped at Five Guys burgers and Ben bought us dinner. Was super yummy, but I think the fries killed me. I had them get extra lettuce and tomato on my burger, it was so fresh and delicious. I’ve really been craving meat. I’ve literally been living on fresh and frozen fruit, yogurt and smoothies. I haven’t been doing well with cooked food. The last few days I’ve started eating little bits of it. My mom made meatloaf the day before so I had a piece of that. Literally all I want is beef sashimi, a spicy tuna roll with avocado, caesar salad, thai iced tea, and fruit. That’s it. Just, raw. I swear I’m not crazy. Or maybe I am. I can’t even hardly remember what I did yesterday, or most of what I ate. I couldn’t remember my last blog post.
Kharizma is going to go to the doctor with me. Since NARA has a new doctor. Hopefully he knows something about Lyme. I need to get my iud out regardless. I think it’s making me sicker. I am hoping that once I get it out maybe some of my symptoms will ease up a little. I hope. I’m going to ask about getting the shot, or see where they stand with hysterectomy now since I’m almost 30. I’m afraid to take birth control pills. My memory is getting bad and half the time I can’t freaking remember what I went into the kitchen for, or why I opened a browser, or what I ate or what I just said. I’m afraid if they give me pills I won’t remember to take them, or will not remember that I did take them. I can’t get pregnant again. I don’t want any more children and I don’t think my body could survive another pregnancy. Sascha’s was bad, Fumiko’s was worse, I can’t do it again.
I’m um going to be talking about my reason for wanting a hysterectomy, so if you are squeamish or don’t want to hear about female issues, then I suggest you forget reading any further. Just saying.
I would be happy if they just did a hysterectomy. I would rather deal with needing to take hormones for the rest of my life. Than deal with my periods every month. I spend a week or more hating myself. I bleed so much. I mean I use super sized tampons, and an over night giant pad and I still bleed through. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve changed my tampon/pad only to stand up less than 30 minutes later and literally have blood gush out and completely fill my pad and leak into my panties/pants/whatever. It’s embarrassing. So extremely embarrassing. Even when no one is here. I can’t go anywhere or do anything while I’m on my period because I fear I’m going to bleed all over. The pain is unbearable. I’m not sure how to really describe it. I get this shooting pain that starts up around my cervix and it shoots down into my pelvic bone and into my vagina. It happens over and over and over. If I move at all I get this horrible shooting pain. That’s on top of the already terrible normal period cramps I have. Then there is the ache. That dull ache that thinks it’s your best friend but you just really wish it would go jump off a burning bridge. It hangs out the entire time, never really getting bad, instead it’s just barely there. Enough for you to know it’s there and it hurts, but not as bad as everything else. Oh and the pain in the ovaries. Those are great. Have you ever had an ovarian cyst rupture? If you have then you know exactly how this feels. It feels just like that. On top of it all add the sheer exhaustion from the emotional and physical pain. The anemia[1. Queue blue/purple nails, hands and lips. Literally freezing to death and wishing you were in the middle of a desert. Joints so cold you can hardly move, which by the way only makes the cold worse. ] from practically hemorrhaging[2. I know that seems a bit drastic to many, but this bleeding, it goes far beyond any kind of normal menstrual bleeding. When you go through 2-3 boxes of super sized tampons and just as many boxes of super over night pads in 5-7 days. Yeah, that’s hemorrhaging.] to death. Oh and all of the other Lyme symptoms on top of it. Yes I want a hysterectomy. To at least lessen my pain. This isn’t me bitching and complaining as much as I’m sure it seems like that’s all I’m doing. It’s more of me trying to explain what I go through, just so people are aware that this is real and we’re not crazy. That I’m not crazy. I guess I am in a sense, since this is just ravaging my neurological[3. Seriously. Jesus it took me almost 30 minutes to type that word. I seriously couldn’t remember how to spell it and I couldn’t for the life of me even think of what to type into Google to even bring up the stupid spell check thing asking me what I meant. FML. This is so frustrating. I just want to cry.] system. fjapodfijaspdjajfjidsfpoijasdl;jadj There. That sums it up right now.
I’ve been slow on reviews because I’ve been “sick“[4. I don’t know what else to call it. Especially when I can’t really explain why I’m sick to Sascha or Fumiko. It also frustrates me when I say I’ve been sick and people assume I have the flu or something. I know it shouldn’t. They don’t know, even if they do know I have Lyme. Sick usually means having a cold or the flu, not having Lyme disease and not being able to function. Blargh.] in bed for the past week. I am on Kai’s very old, very crappy laptop. So I don’t have Photoshop, or my camera programs or all of my fonts and well everything else that I have on my desktop. I just haven’t been able to sit at it and do what I need to do. So I’ll most likely be fixing banners and adding photos to reviews once I feel well enough to plop my ass down at my desk and work there.