$$ October 2011 ⋆ TOXiD-LOTUS.NET

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So my life is rather boring. Well it is if you don’t count the ups and downs and sideways and zigzags with my health. TMI: I’ve been on my period since September 26th with no sign of it stopping. The antibiotics I had for the sinus infection and what not screwed with my depo shot. *sigh* I’m hoping it won’t last until I get my next shot. This is torture. My medications have been shuffled around. I am now seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. My doctor sent me in because she thinks I have PTSD. Which apparently the psychiatrist and therapist think also. I also may or may not have bi-polar 2. I didn’t know there was more than 1. They are trying to work on my social phobia, but my therapist thinks I’m doing a great job all on my own. She also thinks I know exactly who I am and I just need to BE me.

I’ve met a couple of wonderful people that I met online. Claire from Claire’s Beauty and Chantel from Geek Chic Cosmetics. They are both lovely, wonderful people. Next I’m hoping to get my glittery paws on Distorria from Detrivore Cosmetics. Muahahaha. But really. I’ve been trying to work on my social anxiety and fears. It’s hard. I also thought I was over being raped at 13. But I’m apparently not. That has also been a subject in therapy. Also I need to learn to not put on makeup for therapy, because I cry, even though I tell myself I won’t, I do. It’s just painful and stressful to go over and re-live situations I just want to forget about. I’ve been going to see Chantel after therapy the last couple of times. Which has been awesome. I really enjoy spending time with her.

The psychiatrist took me off the two anxiety medications my doctor put me on about a month ago and put me on Cymbalta. She thinks it will work well with the Gabapentin. She also changed how I take my Gabapentin in hopes that my body won’t build up a resistance to it. I hope she’s right and it doesn’t because I go crazy with panic and fear when I go off of it to sort of reset how my body treats it. Blech. Life is hard yo. I need an instruction manual for this body.

I decided that I need to be me, I need to do what makes me happy. I recently purchased a book on Wicca. It’s something I’ve always been interested in, but stayed away from it because I was afraid that my mom would react badly, and that’s something I honestly can’t deal with now. I’ve basically put my beliefs and life on hold to respect her beliefs and I can’t do that anymore. I’m crushed that my crystal boxes are gone from our garage. I have to start over now. That was over 10 years worth of crystals and memories and special things. I don’t know if they were trashed, or if they were taken when my moms friends from her church helped her clear out the garage. Either way, they are gone and I am sad. So now I start over.

A lot has happened and changed this past month. I feel like a new person almost. I still hurt and get sick, but I feel changed some how. I think just putting my foot down and telling myself things were going to be different and I was going to do what made me happy, it changed something, and I’m glad. Gosh I can’t even write this without getting teary eyed. Stupid emotions. It sucks not to be comfortable in your own skin. I want that back. I want to be able to go to the grocery store and not fear that someone may talk to me. I want to be able to go to the mall or wherever and not wish I were invisible. I just want to be happy. It’s going to be a long journey, but it will be worth it.

Oh there is this too…

Her name is Mochi. Dawn took me over to get her on Sunday. She’s a sweetheart. As soon as I picked her up I knew she belonged with us. Sushi’s whole demeanor has completely changed with Mochi being here. She looks happier and sweeter. Sushi is dying to play with Mochi, but Mochi keeps growling at her, which is incredibly cute and funny at the same time. I honestly expected Sushi to try and eat her. But she hasn’t so much as raised a paw to her. The first day Sushi hissed and growled and Mochi stayed away. The second day Sushi was kind of on the fence and yesterday she started to try to play with Mochi. So it’s gonna work out and I’m so glad we got Sushi a friend. She seems so much happier now. Hopefully I’ll have photos of them together soon. :CAT:

Also if you have never tried anything from Cocoa Pink you need to. I ordered some hair frizz serum stuff and it’s amazing and the scent is freaking incredible. She also sent very generous samples with both of my orders. My second order was for shampoo and conditioner which are pretty awesome. I think I may need to try her other conditioners. I love, love, love one of her Hallow’s Eve scents. Fear of Cemeteries is amazing and you must try it. I am going to be ordering some body butter from her in Fear of Cemeteries because it is so amazingly awesome. <3 She sent me a sample of her voluptuous body butter in my first order, it was scented with one of her pumpkin scents. Amazing. Okay. I’m done raving about it now, I swear. Though expect some reviews soon. :d


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