Honestly, nothing really, but more on that later. Right now I’m going to whine, bitch and moan.
Blargh I want to go lay down and sleep this off but Fumiko spilled water all over me and the bed this morning when she was watching tv in bed with me. I can’t fall asleep on these chairs. I get almost there and then I get a stabby pain or the cats jump on me. *sigh* I talked to my mom. I told her I can’t take any herbs anymore. She told me I need to do it and get it over with, but I don’t think she realizes it will never be over with, and I can’t do this unless I have someone here to help me because I can’t function. 2 olive leaf capsules and 2 herbal antibiotic formulas and I can hardly function. What does she think is going to happen if I take more, or they actually start me on real antibiotic treatment? She says she gets it, but she doesn’t. I’m so tired and frustrated with this. I just can’t deal with random herxing when what I’m taking isn’t doing anything. I literally feel like I’ve been poisoned. I *feel* like I am dying and I’m all alone because Kai is at work and my mom is keeping fumiko downstairs so she doesn’t bother me because I have no nerves left to get on right now, the light is blinding and the sound of my own crying is torture. I hate lyme. Kharizma is coming over at 4pm today to I guess just be here for a little while so I don’t feel alone. There isn’t really anything she can do except just sit here with me, which I’m grateful for.
I think too much has happened this week between the holiday, being bit by a hobo spider, dealing with a sinus infection and just not feeling okay. But with lyme you never really feel okay. You never have days where you feel *good*. My good days are days when most people would call in sick. I can’t express to anyone how horrible I feel, emotionally and physically right now, a lot of the time. There’s no real hope at the end of the tunnel, it just is what it is, and it hurts. I hate writing about lyme, I hate writing about how I feel because honestly it’s depressing to write, it’s depressing to read, but I don’t think many people out there truly understand the every day, every minute struggle with lyme. Often times even people close to you, that love you, they don’t understand why some days, some weeks you just can’t physically or mentally function. When you have lyme you get good at hiding how you feel, or at least you get good at making it not look as bad as it is. My hair has been falling out, my eyebrows have been falling out, in fact I think I can count maybe 10 hairs on both brows combined, my eye lashes are falling out. On top of everything else going on, that is most upsetting right now. I can’t hide that very well. Last night brushing my hair a fairly big chunk came out. I feel like a cancer patient without cancer. Then I feel guilty for feeling bad, for feeling sorry for myself, for wanting to whine or complain, and finally for actually doing it. I know there are people out there far worse off than I, but jesus this is torture, it’s hell and it sucks.
I just want to live a halfway normal life. I want to be able to do things with my children, I want to be able to do things with my husband, and I want to be able to enjoy them and not have lyme always take away my joy. It’s always there, every single thing I do is about lyme and what it’s done to my body. I have a friend, someone who I consider to be a very good friend who also has lyme(I loves you Miss Luna). Sometimes it’s funny seeing another human being say “fuck my eyebrow fell out” or “On new antibiotics/pills/whatever hopefully I don’t herx too bad”. It’s quite pitiful. I guess I’ve complained enough.
Which brings me to this. I want to do something to raise awareness to lyme and I need to do something to earn money so I can actually do things in life that I would like to do before I die, which will be who knows when. It’s something you think really hard about when you read an obituary about a 33 year old dying from lyme complications. I’ll be 30 in January. Anyways. After the holidays are over I want to start making earrings. I want to be able to raise some sort of awareness about lyme to those who view my listings and I want to be able to make some money and have a second income coming in while doing it. Right now Kai is the only source of income that comes into this house and that needs to change if it can. I plan on getting together with Claire so she can show me how to properly make them, but I plan to use niobium and titanium and real gems(peridot, peruvian opal, garnet, etc). At some point I hope to be able to grow to necklaces/bracelets. I’d like to be able to have some simple necklaces with peridot and a silver ribbon, or hope on it, just something simple for those with lyme to wear. But I think this will be something I can do and bring in a little money for us. It’ll just be earrings for awhile, but hopefully in time I can add more. I’m excited about it. Excited at the prospect of making something, excited about possibly bringing in much needed money to our household, and excited about raising awareness for lyme. There’s no cure, but if people were just aware of what we go through, that we’re not lazy, it’s not a joke, it’s a very serious illness and it is very devastating and life destroying it might make it a little bit of a lighter burden to carry.
So I hope when that time comes that I’ll have the support of some of my readers, just to spread the word, that’s all I’ll ask for. Just spread the word for me.