And so it begins . . .
I think this post is long overdue. So Sunday evening Sascha arrived home. We picked him up from the airport around 10pm. He looks older and more mature. It’s an odd feeling seeing that. He’ll be 12 November 2nd. It doesn’t seem like it’s been almost 12 years since he arrived. I think Fumiko and Sascha may end up killing each other. She misses him and desperately wants to interact with him and he doesn’t want her to annoy him. They spent 2 years apart so I think they just need time to adjust. They’ve pretty much been the only child for the last couple of years. They seem to interact a teeny bit better every day. I have to call to see which school Sascha will be going to and get his school info from his dad. Fumiko’s birthday is too late in the year so she’ll be starting kindergarten next year.
The kids are already excited about Hallow’s Eve. Fumiko has decided she’s going to be one of the following: a faerie zombie, a bat or a cat zombie. Sascha says he’d like to be a zombie too. YAY. No more transformer costumes. I’m excite that they want to be something that we can make and make it awesome. Also I’m excited about painting their faces.
I have to admit I’m so desperately looking forward to Autumn and Hallow’s Eve. I just feel so much better during Autumn. It’s like it touches my soul and I feel emotionally put together. Which I’m not right now. I saw the cardiologist who had no answers for me yet again. I just got approved to see an endocrinologist at OHSU. Hopefully they can figure it out. After that I need to be approved to see a neurologist. It’s pretty much been, see the dr every week, therapy every week and nurse practitioner every few weeks. Lots of blood tests and pee tests and other random tests. It’s tiring, especially when you’re already feeling crappy. We’ve been reading about a new-ish protocol for Lyme disease.
It’s worth a try. It would be nice if it would just stop the progression. I don’t have any hope that I’ll get better, or that the things that are broken right, will get fixed. It just feels hopeless. Nothing works. I just don’t know anymore. I literally put on eyeshadow on Sunday to get Sascha. It was the first time since my heart attack that I’ve put any makeup on. Everything is just so exhausting and hard. I feel pathetic that my mom has to basically watch me so if I fall or suddenly get sick she can help me. And even more pathetic because Kharizma had to come sit with me one day while my mom had an appointment because I really shouldn’t be left alone. It just sucks. ALL of it sucks and Lyme disease needs to go die in a fire and leave me alone.