It’s been one of those days . . .
Today Kharizma and I were planning on hanging out. You know hanging out that isn’t in a doctors office or chiropractors office or, you know, the ER? Nope. Too effing bad. Last night I managed to fall down threes stairs and hit my head and various other things. I was terrified something could be broke. Mostly because I break things in strange circumstances. . . Rollerskating, getting hit by a suburban, closing my thumb in a sliding glass door. To my surprise and happiness it’s just a badly sprained ankle. I was gifted a pink wheely-walky-thing and it arrived yesterday. Seriously not even a half hour before I fell. I think I would have died today without it. So THANK YOU AWESOME PERSONS WHO GIFTED IT. It’s really awesome. Besides being pink it totally has reflectors that look like car taillights. I must decorate it with bats and crows and put my name on it. It must have been a sight today. Walking, okay hobbling around on a pink walker, with pink hair, and a pink Rx bag and so on.
So the day ended up being get black rock coffee of awesomeness(seriously caramel blondie anything is SO good) > gas > Dr. Bobby’s office for adjustments > drop off pee jug at OHSU > Milwaukie Providence ER. Seriously. We’d planned on NOT doing anything doctory outside of dropping off my pee. However the universe lined up and decided I should practically murder myself last night. It was so stupid too. I haven’t had a whole lot of luck with my depth perception lately. So what I thought was stepping down once was actually three. It was like those movies with slow motion. In my head I was yelling OMGWTHFWHY and then I fell on my left side and gave myself rug burns, bruises and scrapes on my legs. Cause you know falling earlier the same day on the floor in my room too far away to reach my phone so I sat pitifully in the corner yelling for help for you know about an hour wasn’t enough. LET’S REALLY HAVE SOME FUN AND ALMOST BREAK HER NECK! THAT’S SO AWESOME.
So yeah I fell earlier in the day. Couldn’t reach my phone. Couldn’t get up because my legs wouldn’t work. Sat here screaming so much I was going hoarse. Lucking Fumiko cam bouncing down the hallway. I screamed for her and the door flew open and she had this look of beguilement. I told her to go get Nana, which she did, and Steve and his son were in tow. They literally had to lift my fat ass up onto the bed. At least it didn’t break a fan this time. As my health gets worse and worse certain things just don’t seem important anymore. I’m sorry this post is all over the place but I gotta get it all down while I can or I’ll turn around in five minutes and forget what I was doing. No joke. So anyways. They also saved me about a week ago when I fell in my front yard. The neighbors probably thought I was drunk. I SWEAR I HAVEN’T HAD A DRINK IN A LONG TIME. REALLY. But yes, they lifted me up so I could sit in my wheelchair, which reminds me. Hai I’ve been using a wheelchair.
So anyways. Certain things become less important. Like being comfortable in your own skin. No offense to anyone else who is plus sized, but I’m fat. Like, HUGE. I wear a 3x now. I’ve gained about 40 pounds since starting insulin. I hate it. It sucks. But it is what it is. I’ve tried everything over the years and I can never get below 200. Today I had a sort of epiphany while sitting in the ER making stupid jokes about things. And it just hit me. And I cried. Why couldn’t I have done this sooner. I decided I don’t care about how fat I am anymore. I’m not going to think “If I lose fat such and such a thing will be my reward.” But that never happens. I can’t spend the rest of my life not doing what I want just because I’m fat and I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. So it’s done. I’ve decided I don’t care. And if I don’t care then it doesn’t matter if anyone else cares about my fat. I need to find clothes and things I am happy in. If I ever lose weight then great I can buy new clothes. But if that never happens then oh fucking well. I don’t care if you see my fat rolls. I just. I need to do what I need to do because I wanna be happy in my own skin and I don’t care who doesn’t like me for what I look like. Oh fucking well it’s your problem not mine. I’ll keep to lose weight. But I’m not going to sit here and cry when it doesn’t happen.
So yeah. That happened today. I already started looking up striped tights in my size and black skirts and tshirts. Don’t ask me why. I just want striped tights, long skirts and tshirts. So you know. If you have any places you like to shop for say 3x I would be eternally grateful. So whatever. I’m not putting my cheek piercings or tattoos on hold anymore as a reward for losing weight. I’ll be getting them because I want them and that’s that.
So. It is what it is and I can’t think of anything else now and I’m not really sure where this post was headed.