So I’ve been wanting to write up this post for awhile, but life has been busy and stressful and a little scary. I finally got my disability hearing on December 21st. I won’t know the result until March probably. I’ve switched doctors and I finally got a diagnosis. A neurologist diagnosed me with fibromyalgia in November. My PTSD has been rough. I can’t remember if I’ve ever talked about my diagnosis’ here. But I have been diagnosed with PTSD, social anxiety and major depression. I also suffer from pretty bad insomnia. Between the insomnia and PTSD I started having auditory and visual hallucinations last year. They have become progressively worse. I also have pretty bad nightmares and night terrors when I do sleep. I was put on seroquel a couple of weeks ago to try to help. It is helping with sleep. It’s helping with the hallucinations and night terrors. I am still having them, but not as bad. I am able to sleep for an hour or two at a time now before waking up and getting back to sleep is a little easier. But the seroquel is making my muscles burn like crazy all the time, every muscle. They also ache and feel like I’ve pulled every muscle in my body. It also makes me really fucking tired, more tired than I was not sleeping. Everything hurts and nothing is helping and it’s super frustrating.
I stopped blogging because quite frankly it became a chore and I got burned out. I’ve wanted to start posting again for months and I just haven’t been able to. I am exhausted all of the time and in a lot of pain. Between my doctors appointments, group therapy and therapy and the kids appointments, I don’t have any energy left over. Appointments exhaust me both mentally and physically. I have been needing to take an Ativan before my appointments, otherwise my anxiety gets so bad that my blood pressure goes through the roof and I start sweating to death. My heart goes crazy and I feel panicked. I wish I didn’t. I have been having more panic attacks and they have been triggered out of no where. With everything going on, blogging is not a priority. I want to start again and just go at a slow pace. I miss swatching makeup and wearing it. I do good if I can just get some mascara and highlighter on. But I really miss it.
The kids are doing okay. Fumiko has a new therapist who is trained in art therapy. So we’ve been doing watercolor painting in her sessions and she’s responding well to it. She really likes her new therapist. She sees her weekly instead of every other week like her previous therapist was doing. Weekly visits are really good for her. We’ve also been going to Family Night on Tuesdays. Both of the kids really enjoy it. We are learning more about our culture. Some weeks we do simple crafts specifically for the kids and other nights we are able to do more intricate things like making dream catchers. Last year they did beading and moccasins. I am hoping they’ll do it again this year so we can learn. It’s been really good. It is exhausting, but it’s good. Sascha is in high school now. Which is crazy. He has also surpassed me in height. He made me a bulbasaur planter with the 3D printers at school. He’s also been making other random things. I am 35 now. I don’t feel 35. Fumiko is 9.
The cats are doing well. Sascha got his sister and himself hamsters for Christmas/Yule. They are Robo dwarf hamsters or Roborovski dwarf hamsters. Robo sounds more fun. Fumiko’s hamster is named Dumbledore and Sascha’s is Hagrid. Dubledore is super sweet and nice and Hagrid is a tiny demon spawn from hell. I got myself a hamster a couple of weeks ago. He is a Russian dwarf hamster and is albino. His name is Severus. He is twice the size of the robo hamsters. They are 2 inches long and he is 4 inches long. He is also fat and looks disgruntled all of the time.
Clearly insomnia is hitting me hard tonight. I’m typing this at 6:17am. I haven’t slept yet. I will probably try to sleep while the kids are in school. Umm. Fumiko has seen a pediatric allergist a few times. Not only is she allergic to apples and pears, but walnuts, peanuts and strawberries showed up on the skin test. She has been steadily losing weight this past year. She’s currently 15-20 pounds under weight. I have been giving her high calorie foods and we’ve been trying nutrition shakes. I found out that she is being teased at school. Kids are calling her fat and making fun of her food so she hasn’t been eating. Her doctor and I have been worried about it. Her doctor has talked to her directly about it. We are concerned this is going to spiral into an eating disorder. She eats fine at home, but not at school. She has at least started eating part of her lunches recently. If it gets worse again we are going to be having a meeting with the school to see if she can eat in the classroom or somewhere else away from the other kids. She has an appointment Thursday to get medication refills an to check her weight. I am hoping she’s up at least a few pounds. I have been making soups weekly. Vegetable and beef soup with beef, garnet yams, black beans, kale, tomato, carrots, celery are the main things I also sometimes add yellow squash or zucchini, mustard greens, okra, wild rice, white corn or cauliflower. I have also been making potato, broccoli and cauliflower cheese soup. That has potatoes, cauliflower, broccoli, celery, carrots, chicken stock, garlic, 2 types of cheese and some half & half or milk. She loves both and will eat a couple of bowls of it. I sometimes add chia seeds to both soups since they have a decent amount of calories. She prefers to eat pretty healthy. She doesn’t usually do dressing on her salad, she likes my homemade dressing but I haven’t made it in awhile because it’s made with peanut oil and I haven’t found an oil to replace it that the kids like. I’m going to try making it with avocado oil soon. When I have the energy. I have been making Fumiko homemade almond butter for her lunch sandwiches. She likes the Trader Joe’s pumpkin butter and almond butter on them.
This is going to be one rambling post. haha I’ve been gathering some Kat Von D makeups that I want to swatch and post about, also some Sugarpill things. I’ve been using Blackbird Cosmetics pressed shadows when I wear makeup. I am super sad to see Maleah closing down. I hope she comes back with her awesome pressed shadows. She does them really well. I find that a lot of indies that try to do pressed shadows don’t do them very well. But I have been super pleased with Blackbird’s. I had to stock up on the colors I wanted and I had to get a backup of Immortals, I already have a backup of Imogen. Those are the shades I use the most. Watch I’m going to get my package and fall in love with some of the new colors and then I won’t be able to get backups. Let’s hope not. I find myself using mostly pressed shadows right now. I run the risk of dumping my loose shadows right now with my hands not fucking working properly. So when I do do my makeup I use my pressed shadows. I keep thinking about going through and pressing all of my favorite loose shadows but I’m afraid of screwing them up. I am planning on changing the way I swatch now. So I don’t get overwhelmed again. I will swatch collections together, but I am going to start swatching individual shades per post. Just to make it easier for me. It’s actually hard for me to swatch several colors at one time. My camera isn’t super heavy but it’s heavy enough that it starts hurting my wrists and arms when I do too many. So I think swatching things individually, especially when I don’t have a complete collection will make things easier on me.
I haven’t used my camera in months. Last year I went through a period of several months where I was having extreme pain in both of my wrists and hands. If I bent them or picked anything up even light things it would cause shooting pains and strange nerve pain. I saw a neurologist about it and he had no answers. He shocked me with a machine which impacted me really badly. I ended up having a severe panic attack and ended up in the ER. I never got any answers about what was going on with my wrists, they eventually stopped hurting. This has been happening off and on for a few years now. It seems like it is carpal tunnel, that’s what my doctor thought it was, but it’s not. This week that pain has started to come back. My left wrist and hand are in pain and my right hand is starting to hurt. The kids have had to help me out while cooking. I can’t open certain things or lift certain things off and on. My hands are not playing nicely all of the time. Did I mention it’s frustrating?
I will also be doing Thursday guest posts again. So if you’re interested, let me know. I’ll also be blogging about Asian beauty more. My skincare routine is all Asian beauty right now. I think all of it is actually Korean. It has helped my skin tremendously. Eventually I’ll be blogging about my routines and what not. I have all kinds of plans for blog posts in my head. Let’s see if I can follow through. I am at the point where I miss blogging and having an outlet. I need to do it again, just at my own pace. I have also removed the ads from my blog. They weren’t generating much revenue so there was really no point in having them up. So it’s all ad free. Eventually I might have some affiliate links but those will always be tagged per usual. Oh I also plan on re-swatching my My Pretty Zombie shadows and blush. Some of the swatches/collections are so old that I want to redo them so they look nicer. I still have a big box of indie stuff to swatch that I’ve had for well forever now. We’ll see if I can get through it.
We are signing a 1 year lease here. After that I will be trying for a 3br apartment for the kids and I. Sascha really needs his own room and so do I. We all need a space we can go to to chill out. It gets pretty hectic here. Kids are kids, but their autism and ADHD can make things really interesting and chaotic. So good juju that it all works out. If my disability goes through I will get back pay back to 2013. If it goes through I want to get a used car with good gas mileage. That is a priority. So much hope that it goes through. We have been using med transport for all of our doctor and therapy appointments and borrowing my moms car to go to the grocery store and get Fumiko from her dads twice a month.
I just realized that I have never swatched my Naked 3 palette. I shall have to do that too. And a what’s in my bag thing. When I went through serotonin syndrome about 5 years ago it completely wrecked my teeth among-st other things. Literally months after I had my braces removed serotonin syndrome happened. So I have been getting them pulled to prepare for dentures. It’s embarrassing not having teeth, but I also feel weird about being 35 and needing dentures. But hey, one day I’ll have a pretty smile. I have 7 teeth left on the bottom to be pulled. I’m going to try to get dentures from OHSU. It’s a teaching hospital and their dentist school is supposed to be really good. Eventually I’d like to be able to do simple youtube videos. I can’t even try right now because I am super embarrassed about my mouth. Oh Fumiko is also getting her tonsils and adenoids removed soon. She rated a 4 on the scale that goes from 1-4. She got some big tonsils. Insurance just recently approved it. I’m going to try to schedule it for her spring break so she doesn’t miss a bunch of school. The ENT said she could miss 1-2 weeks of school for recovery. I also need to go to the ENT to see if mine need to be removed. I deal with constant sore throats and get strep throat. Fumiko qualified for 3 out of the 4 requirements to have her tonsils removed. They cover most of her airway, she snores and she breaths through her mouth a lot and she’s had strep throat 3 times a year for the last 3 years. So those puppies are going bye bye. Her scab picking has improved. she was not doing well for awhile. My divorce was finalized on February 29th last year. During it we were all stressed. Her dad wanted full custody of her. She started picking at sores and picking and picking until they were bleeding and causing scars. Her nightmares got really bad and she was having night terrors. She is still having nightmares/night terrors but not as frequently.
I think I am going to attempt a full face of KVD as one of my first blog posts back. I have the MetalMatte palette and recently got the Shade&Light eye palette. I think about the only things I don’t have are her mascara and face primer. Who knows I might pick those up before I end up doing it. I also want the Alchemy palette. Also I have been watching Elementary on Hulu and I like it a lot. I recently watched all of Green Arrow on netflix. That I liked as well.
Oh. I also started Bydureon for my diabetes. It’s not cooperating and hasn’t since I became diabetic after the serotonin synrome. Bydureon is a non insulin injection. I also started Toujeo recently. It’s basically a concentrated version of Lantus. The Bydureon is supposed to help with weight loss as well. Over the last couple of years I’ve lost about 70 pounds. It was mostly due to stress, but hey I am happy to have lost that much. Now I just need to lose some more.
Since I haven’t been blogging I have mostly been active on Facebook and Instagram. It’s not enough of an outlet anymore though. I’m not sure when I’ll start doing blog posts. Soon I hope. Oh. I finally got new glasses. I hadn’t had my eyes checked in 5 years and my glasses were getting pretty blurry. I got them checked in November and I ordered new glasses and sunglasses from Zenni Optical last month. They came a couple of days ago and I love them. I stuck with my winged cat eye frames for my regular frames and I got heart shaped sunglasses with a rose gold mirror finish. I shall definitely be blogging about those. I love the winged cat eye frames. That’s what my previous glasses were. I can’t believe they lasted 5 years. They’ve been dropped so many times that I am honestly surprised they held up as well as they did. I am not sponsored by Zenni btw. I just really like their glasses and they are good quality for an inexpensive price. Fumiko has been wanting glasses to wear because I wear them so I think I am going to get her a non Rx pair from their kids glasses.
I must get new pictures of everyone. It is so hard to get a picture of Sascha. He’s 15 and doesn’t want his picture taken. I did get some funny pictures and a short video of him last night at Family Night. Oh so at Family Night at NARA we eat before we do crafts or learning or whatever. They make a spirit plate and then someone prays and then someone takes the spirit plate outside. Fumiko usually volunteers to take the spirit plate out but last night she decided to do the prayer. It was funny and cute. She was all “I pray that this food provides nutrition for everyone” and then she didn’t know what else to say so she whispered to me to help her and I told her to just pray that everyone says safe and healthy and so she said that and we end with Aho. A couple of weeks ago we did karaoke and Fumiko actually sang 4 songs into the mic. I was really proud of her. We listen to music a lot at home and sing a long and we will randomly break out into song sometimes but she doesn’t like to sing in front of other people. So it was really brave of her to get up and do it. `
Mochi just literally walked across my laptop and fucked up my browser. Thank you cat. Oh also I want to blog about my planner. Kristina from Pacific Redhead sent me her Erin Condren planner last year because she switched planners. So I kind of fell in love with it. So I got a LifePlanner for this year. I cannot function without a planner. So I’ll be posting about that too. Also I plan on doing more personal posts this round instead of just swatches and reviews. Honestly Kudos to you if you’ve read this far. I think I am done with this long ass post now.
Lols this draft has been sitting in my dashboard since February. I guess it’s time to post it.