It’s one of those days

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It truly is. One of those days where I can’t even enjoy twitter for more than a minute or so at a time. The updates come too fast and my brain can’t process it. The little elves with red hot pokers are back stabbing every inch of my body. I’m exhausted. My legs are having horrible cramps. Though one magnesium nearly knocks me out. It feels like someone is trying to scoop out my heart. And you know that feeling of dizziness, when the room is spinning sometimes when you close your eyes? Yeah that feeling is filling up my lungs and chest. So what, my chest is dizzy and lightheaded? My period should be starting any day now. My boobs are killing me. Blah, blah, blah, complain, complain.

Last night Ben and Kai stopped at Five Guys burgers and Ben bought us dinner. Was super yummy, but I think the fries killed me. I had them get extra lettuce and tomato on my burger, it was so fresh and delicious. I’ve really been craving meat. I’ve literally been living on fresh and frozen fruit, yogurt and smoothies. I haven’t been doing well with cooked food. The last few days I’ve started eating little bits of it. My mom made meatloaf the day before so I had a piece of that. Literally all I want is beef sashimi, a spicy tuna roll with avocado, caesar salad, thai iced tea, and fruit. That’s it. Just, raw. I swear I’m not crazy. :( Or maybe I am. I can’t even hardly remember what I did yesterday, or most of what I ate. I couldn’t remember my last blog post.

Kharizma is going to go to the doctor with me. Since NARA has a new doctor. Hopefully he knows something about Lyme. I need to get my iud out regardless. I think it’s making me sicker. I am hoping that once I get it out maybe some of my symptoms will ease up a little. I hope. I’m going to ask about getting the shot, or see where they stand with hysterectomy now since I’m almost 30. I’m afraid to take birth control pills. My memory is getting bad and half the time I can’t freaking remember what I went into the kitchen for, or why I opened a browser, or what I ate or what I just said. I’m afraid if they give me pills I won’t remember to take them, or will not remember that I did take them. I can’t get pregnant again. I don’t want any more children and I don’t think my body could survive another pregnancy. Sascha’s was bad, Fumiko’s was worse, I can’t do it again.

I’m um going to be talking about my reason for wanting a hysterectomy, so if you are squeamish or don’t want to hear about female issues, then I suggest you forget reading any further. Just saying.
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I had to share

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I don’t ever send chain mails. So I’m going to share this here, because Kharizma was right. It is empowering and it’s too precious not to share. Thank you Kharizma.

“May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

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HOPE – Lyme Disease

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Also I found this yesterday. While it’s simple I think it’s absolutely beautiful. I don’t normally buy things like this. The only jewelry I wear is my wedding ring, my gauged earrings and the heart key necklace that Kai gave me the Valentine’s Day after Fumiko was born. But I want this, and eventually I’ll purchase it and wear it. Just to remind myself that there is hope, even if it’s small. It’s still there.

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