Technically it started last night. Fumiko has this little ladybug wheely cart thing, which she calls her buggie. She’s mostly outgrown it and leaves it lying around. Yesterday she kept sitting on it in our room while watching tv. I’d asked her to take it out which she did because I tripped over it twice. Apparently she brought it back in before she went to bed. Well. She woke up crying last night and I jumped up to run in there and see what was wrong and didn’t see it. I stepped down with my foot inside the handle and I’m not entirely sure how it happened but the handle came up and slammed into my calf muscle while it was tensed and the wooden lip crushed the top of my foot. I seriously thought I broke my foot/ankle/leg/something from the pain. My muscle immediately cramped up and had a huge knot in it and I couldn’t move. My foot swelled up and had a massive bruise on the top of it. Kai had to help me to bed because I couldn’t straighten out my leg because of my calf muscle and couldn’t put weight on my leg if my muscle hadn’t been in so much pain. It still hurts and I can’t put all of my weight on it. The muscle is in so much pain it’s not funny and I can’t step down on my flat foot without horrible pain shooting up my leg bone. Thankfully the swelling and bruise have gone down on my foot so much so you can hardly see it. Still, it hurts like a mofo and I’m pretty sure I damaged my calf muscle somehow. And my back is doing something fierce with the back spasms. And due to the pain I couldn’t sleep, so I didn’t end up getting to sleep until almost 6am.

That aside, Fumiko managed to find my burgundy hair dye and got it in a 2 foot radius on the living room floor and was covered in it when I woke up. The carpet is dark brown but you can clearly see where it’s dyed a red color now. After trying to clean that mess up I came back in our room to find that the cat had completely cleared off my side table, except for my mirror and the tv remote. I made fish soup for lunch. But I’m guessing due to cleaning the carpet my hands/fingers were weak, and I couldn’t freaking hardly get the pouches of frozen tilapia open, or the plastic wrap off the frozen cod. So when I tried to open the ramen for Kai my fingers and hands just wouldn’t work, and I couldn’t get it open. They just wouldn’t work. That was kind of my breaking point. I was already stressed about the carpet and my leg being in so much pain, and I was already freaking sore and nervous that I just lost it and started crying and had to go ask Kai to open the freaking ramen. Now? Now I just feel worn down, and worn out, my nerves are shot, I’m so tired, and so sore I feel sick. Even the gabapentin doesn’t seem to be helping at all, except that it’s making me so cold my fingers are kind of purple. But I hurt, and my body feels swollen and it burns and aches and blah.

Well I’m not quite sure, week, month, month and a half? It’s been one hell of a something. I have to apologize for the reviews I still have to get up. I haven’t been well. My lyme disease has decided to take over my life and it’s all I can do to function for Fumiko right now. It’s gotten bad enough that I am considering going in to talk about getting back on a muscle relaxer and pain pill. I don’t know if this is just an overly painful temporary flare up, or if it has reached a milestone and just gotten worse. Only time will tell for me. For now my pain is more intense than usual, the migraines happen daily and are so bad that I see flashes of random color, sometimes part of or all of my vision goes black, the muscle twitches/shakes are more frequent and last longer, and light touch feels like a charlie horse down to my bone. On top of it all I miss Sascha so badly. I want to call every day, or talk to him on Skype every day. But when I talk to him I just want to scream come home and cry. So I’ve not tried to contact him much. I’m trying to deal with it and be okay, but it’s hard with all that I am dealing with.

He’s growing up so fast. I feel like I’m losing my little boy. Maybe it’s just me and I’m slightly crazy(okay I am, but still) but him growing up is ever so slightly painful for me. I love him, I want him to grow up to be happy and healthy, but at the same time, it hurts to seem him grow up and it hurts to lose those little things that I will never have with him again because he won’t be a little boy. He’s going to be 9 soon. Soon after that he’s going to be 10, 11, 12, and then he’s going to be a teen. He’s going to reach that point in his life where he needs to do things on his own, without Mommy there to catch him. He’s going to want to be his own person, and live his own life. I’m going to have to let him go and hope that I’ve done my job in a way that he still wants me there and trusts me enough to confide in me. I don’t want to lose my little boy, even though I know it’s inevitable it still hurts.

We have Fumiko who is still my baby, but she is her own person, just as Sascha is his own person. They are so different. I felt the same way with Fumiko when she stopped nursing. I was happy and relieved as it was hard on my health, but I miss it too. I miss having that closeness to her and the bonding, I miss the innocence and her being a baby. She’s now a toddler who never stops and is well on her way to being potty trained and she’s still learning new words every day. I don’t want any more children, but I still have a longing to have my baby’s back. Ugh. A Mother’s love is so bittersweet. Each new milestone brings new and often times conflicting feelings. Am I the only one who feels this way? I know I can’t be the only one who has a hard time seeing her children grow up.

Well not quite yet. Sascha finally has a loose tooth. Yay. We’ve been waiting for him to lose a tooth. We had no idea when most kids loose their teeth. He’s all excited about it. My period is killing me. So much in fact that my mom offered me a Vicodin today and I took it. Sadly it didn’t do much. It did take the edge off, but I still had pretty bad pains. *le sigh* My body is cursed. Speaking of which. If any more acne pops up on my face I’m going to need acne scars cream. I swear my period rolls around and my face fills with acne, which is more than a little annoying.

Warning: TMI about female issues below. Read at your own risk.

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